The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way , it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't. I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours...

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL... » Continue reading

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Best Comeback Line

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- I think he'll win. » Continue reading

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Look before you leap

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chili sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.

MORAL: Gather all resources before working on any project...!!! » Continue reading

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Second Opinion

The doctor said, "Woody, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Woody was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Woody laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Woody tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.

As Woody admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Woody thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Woody and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Woody was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Woody tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Woody walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Woody thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS » Continue reading

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Humor Vacation

"Laughter is an instant vacation" -- Merlin Berke

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case. You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good! » Continue reading

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Family problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages?... I'll tell you my story:

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems..?! » Continue reading

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Classic family

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?" » Continue reading

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